he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
