There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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