Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
