There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
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