So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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