Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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