You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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