I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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