I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
