Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize