Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
organizing the empties. That sober.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
