I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
