Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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