I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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