Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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