I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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