At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
