so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
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Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
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