You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
