Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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