Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
