birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
