I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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