There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The adults are the big ones right?
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