I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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