Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
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For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
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Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
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