this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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