Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
