Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
