I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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