Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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