i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
