She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize