I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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