just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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