You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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