I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
