I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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