just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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