I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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