it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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