When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
