My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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