I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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