Me. At least after what I've been through.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Rumble strips road head = magical
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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