I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
