i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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