i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
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