you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
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He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
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I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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