i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
