I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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