Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
