I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
