I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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