My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
