he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
