Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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